Middle Classes Not Best Pleased At Prospect Of Joining Ranks Of Workshy Scroungers

"What? I have to come to you?"

Britain’s chattering classes will soon be experiencing at first hand the delights of Jobcentreplus, according to Ken Clarke. The justice secretary made his unwelcome boast today in the Daily Telegraph, striking terror into the ice-cold hearts of Middle England.

“I’ve spent most of 2010 crowing about how all those feckless unemployed skivers richly deserve to have the work ethic rammed into them by being forcibly enlisted into demeaning manual labour schemes just to keep their miserable benefits,” howled Jessica Tweigh, a pinch-mouthed harridan from Sussex who works as a buyer in the fashion industry. “How dare that silly man insinuate that I shall be on the receiving end of the same harsh treatment before the year is out? Obviously it should only apply to people who live on council estates, or north of Watford.”

“Not that I’m in any danger of losing my job, of course,” she snapped. “What nonsense. Why, all my friends and neighbours simply have to replace their entire wardrobe on a fortnightly basis.”

“But if I should, of course, I shall expect better treatment that the scum,” she added. “Just in case, I’m drawing up a list of demands which I would present to the little Jobcentre monkey. First of all, they’ll have to ring weeks in advance to make any appointments. Secondly, I’d appreciate it if they could meet me for a power lunch – of course, I’ll expect them to pick up the bill. Thirdly, I shall demand an expense account; after all, they can hardly expect me to pay the running costs of driving a 4x4 all over the south east for interviews, can they? Obviously, they’ll be keeping up the monthly payments on it as well. And I can hardly turn up for an interview in the same outfit I wore to the previous one, can I? It’ll have creases in it.”

“Finally, Jobseeker’s Allowance simply won’t do,” she fumed. “It might seem like a king’s ransom to some breeder slut from Brighton, but it would barely cover one dinner party a fortnight, and I’ll need to keep those up for networking purposes. I’ll open negotiations at £1000 a week; I’m prepared to haggle down to £750 if it’s absolutely necessary, but that’s as far as I’ll go.”

“Of course, if Julian should lose his job too, I shall expect quite a bit more,” she added tartly.

The local Jobcentreplus, meanwhile, said they were eagerly looking forward to dealing with Ms. Tweigh.

“I gather that this lady has extensive experience in the retail sector,” said an advisor. “That’s good. There’s always quite a high turnover of staff in the stockroom at Argos.”