Why Oh Why Isn’t Cameron Sticking Up For Good Old BP, Demands Daily Mail

The prime minister has come under fire for failing to leap to the defence of BP – an international British success story we should all be proud of, according to the increasingly swivel-eyed Daily Mail columnist Alex Bummer.

“If the Cameron coalition fails to silence the verbal abuse and threats of steep financial penalties from President Obama and Congress,” warned Mr Bummer, “This great company could be killed by a thousand cuts, which would be an enormous blow to Britain's economy.”

With BP shares making up one sixth of Britain’s pension and insurance funds, Mr Bummer screamed, any attempt by the sneaky and noticeably black President to hold BP liable for the damage done by the worst man-made environmental catastrophe in history would not only dent the nation’s soaring economy but also hit you – yes, you - squarely in the wallet.

“Not so keen on wiping the oil off that penguin now, are you?” laughed the Mail’s top writer. “What? Penguin, pelican - what’s the difference? Neither of them are in my Observer’s Book Of British Birds, are they? Well, then I rest my case.”