Government Tells Joke

As the national mood turned from gloom to childlike delight with the opening of the Millionaire’s Kickabout Show, the government made a commendable effort to join in with the silliness by awarding a CBE to Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Hilariously, the rib-tickling citation suggested that the famous Welsh cleavage has performed some sort of service to the film industry - presumably by marrying doddering Hollywood pensioner Michael Douglas, which could also explain the ‘services to charity’ bit tacked on the end.

The comedy keeps going for page after page, with MBEs for professional northerners Rita and Emily out of Coronation Street; an OBE for John Nettles, for his chameleon-like versatility in creating not one, but two mildly quirky detective roles in a career spanning decades; an MBE in recognition of the unique insights which David Coulthard shares with TV audiences after years spent watching F1 drivers win races as he pootled round after them in a 200mph bathtub; an OBE for acclaimed literary giant James Herbert, the genius behind seminal texts on rats and fog; an MBE for one of the cleavages from ‘Allo ‘Allo; an OBE to the silly bugger who let in the Yank goal that knocked England out of the World Cup in 1950; and, last but not least, an OBE goes to TV’s pretty Professor Brian Cox - although it is not clear whether this is for his efforts to explain brainy stuff to drooling BBC viewers or for playing keyboards with D:ream.

And the laughs aren’t confined to the celebrity world, either! Mrs Freda Challoner, director of HM Revenue and Customs’ Large Business Service, receives a well-deserved CBE for allowing corporates like Tesco to pay however much tax they feel like donating, while Serco’s CEO Christopher Hyman gets one for taking unglamorous services like immigration removal centres and offender tagging, the management of various hospitals and schools, the running of Britain’s ICBM early warning system, and the Docklands Light Railway out of the public sector and turning them into profit-making enterprises for his shareholders. And HM Chief Inspector of Constabulary, Denis O’Connor, is knighted for his tactful, low-key announcements concerning the numerous failings of Britain’s police forces, ensuring that they receive only the most cursory coverage in the media.

The greatest laugh, however, accompanies Ms Susan Owen, director of the Department for Work and Pensions’ welfare and wellbeing group, who becomes a Companion of the Order of the Bath for ensuring that the wellbeing of those on welfare is afforded as much respect as it receives from the leader-writers of the tabloid press.