Did BP Help Viet Cong To Victory? Demand Senators

As US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton considers a demand from the senate to investigate whether evil, scheming BP bosses ordered the Scottish government to release convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdelbaset al-Megrahi last year, some senators are already looking for evidence that might link the malevolent oil company with the failure of the US forces to secure victory in the Vietnam conflict.

“All ah know is them VCs hadda oil their gook bicycles someways, or that there Ho Chi Minh trail woulda plumb seized up solid,” claimed senator Jesse Redkneck of Hick State. “And if our loyal, patriotic petrochemical boys wun’t supplyin’ Charlie with lube, well that kinda cleared th’ field for some unscrupulous rival concern ta fair corner th’ market, see?”

“An’ correct me if ah’m wrong,” he added, after spitting a wad of tobacco into a pitcher, “But consarn it if those yaller Limey bastards done turned their goddam backs on us aways back in ’65. Now is it jes’ me, or is thar some kinda connection thing goin’ on here?”

Other senators are urging the State Department to look into reports that evil BP tankers sailed with the Imperial Japanese Navy task force which launched the infamous attack on Pearl Harbour in 1941, in return for exclusive rights to the vast oilfields seized when Japan’s forces overran the Dutch East Indies.

Why Oh Why Isn’t Cameron Sticking Up For Good Old BP, Demands Daily Mail

The prime minister has come under fire for failing to leap to the defence of BP – an international British success story we should all be proud of, according to the increasingly swivel-eyed Daily Mail columnist Alex Bummer.

“If the Cameron coalition fails to silence the verbal abuse and threats of steep financial penalties from President Obama and Congress,” warned Mr Bummer, “This great company could be killed by a thousand cuts, which would be an enormous blow to Britain's economy.”

With BP shares making up one sixth of Britain’s pension and insurance funds, Mr Bummer screamed, any attempt by the sneaky and noticeably black President to hold BP liable for the damage done by the worst man-made environmental catastrophe in history would not only dent the nation’s soaring economy but also hit you – yes, you - squarely in the wallet.

“Not so keen on wiping the oil off that penguin now, are you?” laughed the Mail’s top writer. “What? Penguin, pelican - what’s the difference? Neither of them are in my Observer’s Book Of British Birds, are they? Well, then I rest my case.”

BP Sucks

As BP continues to siphon off the leaking oil with a big straw, the US government has expressed some dissatisfaction with the petroleum giant’s efforts to combat the oil spill from the ruptured well head in the Gulf of Mexico, saying the technique the company was using was “no solution” to the crisis.

Speaking from his luxury corporate yacht, which is anchored directly above the leak, BP chief executive Kent Wells briefly took the straw from his mouth to refute the allegations, but hastily reinserted it as a fountain of crude oil sprayed hundreds of feet in the air.

He later wrote a message for reporters, claiming he was confident that the insertion into the broken pipeline of a straw and bung would capture three quarters of the leak.

Earlier, the company reassured the US authorities that it would honour its legal obligations, irrespective of a statutory cap on damages payable by the oil industry of $75bn.

“We promise that we will settle all legitimate damages claims,” promised a BP spokesman. “Just tell those oil-covered birds to fill out a form, and we’ll deal with each one on its merits.”