International Rating Agency Refuses Britain A Pound For A Pasty

Influential credit-rating agency Fitch has politely but firmly told Britain to save its breath, after the glassy-eyed wreck of a country shambled up to ask - with a pathetic pretence of false bonhomie - if it could possibly ‘borrow’ a pound or two for a Cornish pasty, as it had been sleeping rough since Sunday.

After Fitch casually remarked that Britain seemed rather better-dressed than your average homeless person, the panhandling nation repeated its plea - doggedly upping its demand to an extra quid for cup of tea. Britain insisted that, OK, the real reason it needed the money was to travel up north to visit its brother, Iceland, who owed it money, and swore on its mother’s grave to pay Fitch back next week.

As Fitch politely declined and moved away, saying it had a bus to catch, Britain shuffled pathetically after it, angrily mumbling, “Ain’t you got any loose change at all? You must have something. Come on, just 50p and I’ll leave you alone. 50p, mate… 50p!”

Noticing that Spain - another notorious local sponger - had noticed the commotion and was lurching over with an alarmingly earnest expression on its face, Fitch made an exaggerated display of checking its watch and strode off as fast as it could walk without actually breaking into a run. As soon as it turned the corner it ducked into a newsagent’s shop, where it wasted five minutes idly flicking through Structured Investment Vehicle Trader before cautiously peering outside to check that the coast was clear.

Later, over a caramel macchiato in Starbucks, Fitch and its friend Moodys agreed that it was gambling addicts like Britain that gave genuinely hard-up countries a bad name.