“Every little bit he did helped us,” simpered the Sun in a glowing editorial, adding that in his 14 years at the helm, he “showed competition could make the consumer the winner.”
“The PM should phone Mr Tesco,” it concluded.
“If I was to draw up a list of ten people who had most helped the poor in the past few decades,” concurred Tim Montgimmegimmegimme in the Times, “Near the top of my list would be Terry Greedy.”
And the Daily Sieg Mail heaped further praise on the outgoing supermarket supremo, with Alex Bummer maintaining that “if our leaders had one iota of Tesco boss Sir Terry’s drive and flair, Britain wouldn't be in such a mess.”
Impoverished customers who have had to give up their cars to make ends meet, meanwhile, continue to hand over their meagre incomes in densely-packed inner-city Tesco Metro stores to cover the stealthily-increasing cost of the bare necessities required to keep themselves and their families alive.
“Gawd bless yer, Sir Terry,” croaked ragged Zimmer-frame enthusiast Madge Butler, 90. “It warms me heart to know that, thanks to you, I kin buy two loaves of pressed sawdust for juss thirty bob, an’ enjoy the simple pleasure of watchin’ one go all mouldy before I ‘ave time to eat it.”
“And to fink it contains no added sugar, eeva,” she smiled toothlessly. “Cor, juss fink wot ‘e could of done wiv the NHS.”
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