Shooting Innocent Civilians Not A Job For The General Public, Say Police

As a shocked Britain reeled around the North Sea like a punch-drunk boxer in the aftermath of Derrick Bird’s deadly shooting spree, police chiefs urged the public to remember that gunning down harmless people in broad daylight is a job best left to the experts.

“This blood-crazed nutter displayed a shocking lack of consideration for his unfortunate victims,” said Britain’s top female police officer, Cressida Dick. “Gun ownership must be the exclusive preserve of responsible death squads who adhere to strict rules, such as Rule 1 – only shoot people whom nobody in Britain gives a stuff about. Brazilians who have outstayed their visas are a particularly enticing target.”