Greece Fails In Bid To Be More Unpopular Than UK

Notwithstanding its valiant efforts to single-handedly bring down the entire eurozone and hurl the entire world back into the darkest depths of global recession, Greece failed last night to knock the UK off the top spot of Most Hated Country in the Europe’s Got No Talent song contest.

“Greece’s entry was as hateful as they could possibly make it,” said some tragic cloth-eared gimp who claimed to be an expert at this sort of thing. “The costumes that Georgios Alcoholios and Fuckbuddies wore were straight out of some camp travesty of Saturday Night Fever as it might be reimagined by Baz Luhrmann, just as the rules specify. As for the song itself, its infantile melody sticks in the memory like an evil brain-parasite, and its numbly anodyne lyrics were straight out of the International Business English dictionary.”

“Unfortunately for the Greeks, however, it’s impossible to ignore the unsurpassable loathsomeness of Great Britain in the eyes of the rest of the world,” he added. “Just as the hate factor for compliantly kicking off two unwinnable wars just to please George Dubya Bush was beginning to wear off, the rapacious thieving bastards of your notorious Square Mile ushered in the most devastating global economic meltdown since World War 2. That knocked four contenders right out of the contest before it even began – thanks to you, there isn’t a soul in Hungary, the Czech Republic, Montenegro or Andorra who was able to scrape together the cash for a train ticket to Oslo.”

Not content to rest on those laurels however, 8-year-old Josh Dubovine’s impassioned rending of “Any Old Shit Sounds Good To Me” came to the contest backed with the curse of 80s refugees Pete Waterman and Mike Stock, who are directly responsible for kicking off the irreversible downward spiral in popular taste that has brought the UK to a dark place where millions now sincerely believe that characterless vomit-streams of saccharine notes – which even Jimmy Young in his heyday would have considered too insipid to play on his Prog – are actually valid songs.

Needless to say, then, Greece’s hopes of achieving the coveted bottom spot were cruelly shattered as the British noise comfortably romped home with ten points.

Losers of the contest were Germany, whose 7-year-old representative Lena faces almost certain lynching when she returns home after securing an unwelcome 246 points - ensuring that Germany will be bankrupted back to the stone age by the ruinous cost of staging next year’s pointless extravaganza.