What I Saw From 2000 Miles Away: Melanie Phillips’ Eyewitness Account of Israeli Raid

Respected British journalist Melanie Phillips has braved world opinion by releasing her startling eyewitness account of what really happened on the Marmara, the aid-carrying ship ambushed by Israeli commandos yesterday.

Writing on the Spectator’s website, Ms Phillips tells how she witnessed the assault at first hand from her desk two thousand miles away in London.

“What the lazy, ignorant and bigoted BBC aren’t telling you is that these so-called ‘peace activists’ planned the attack from the outset,” she explained. “The Marmite was in fact loaded to the gunwales with wire-guided knives, heat-seeking cricket bats and pipes made of depleted uranium - deadly weapons in the arsenal of six hundred trained jihadists hell-bent on martyrdom. They deliberately steered their warship straight into the midst of a small group of off-duty Israeli reservists - who were harmlessly playing a friendly game of sea paintball in their rowing boats and towed gyro-kites - with nothing but bloody massacre in mind.”

The frightened Israelis desperately tried to escape, swore Ms Phillips, but evil strongmen trained in a secret al-Qaeda circus grasped the gyro-kites’ whirling rotors and dragged them down onto the decks, while the ship’s bows opened to swallow up the fleeing rowers. The terrified captives feebly fired their paint pellets – all of which, owing to shortages caused by cruelly-misguided UN sanctions, happened to be red - at the seething army of chanting terrorists, who only retreated after their weapons had all been broken over the heads of the hapless Israelis.

Ms Phillips stoutly maintains that it was then that the masked death squads brought out their deadliest weapons: BB slings, each one capable of unleashing a lethal marble that can easily kill if fired at point-blank range into an unprotected brain.

It was only at this point that one of the beleaguered Israelis remembered he still had the flare pistol with which he had started his innocent paintball game, and with one lucky shot managed to subdue the six hundred trained killers.

“It is clear that the entire world has got the wrong end of the stick, as usual,” said the omniscient Ms Phillips, as the woefully ill-informed UN Security Council issued a tragically wrong-headed condemnation of Israel. “The Israeli government has only got itself to blame for not getting its honest, unbiased version of events across to anyone but me.”

“It’s a good job I happened to be close by in London to witness the truth of these shocking events at the far end of the Mediterranean,” she added, before returning to her fearless exposé of the communist threat facing us all.