Coalition Government Pledges To Be Really, Really Nice To Everyone

The Con-Lib coalition government has published a comprehensive list of pledges in which it promises all things to everyone, ushering a new golden age in which everyone in Britain will be poor but happy as they trudge around asking each other if they have any chimneys in need of sweeping.

Key pledges include:
Reform of the financial sector. Banks will be asked if they wouldn’t mind contributing something to the economy.
Healthcare provision. Patients will be free to choose which golfing enthusiast will fob them off with a referral to the practice nurse.
Education. Nice people like you will be able to set up your own school as an alternative to the awful one that’s chock-full of poor people’s spawn.
Taxation. Any tax increases will be nice ones that will probably only affect you when you’re safely in the ground and beyond all earthly worries.
Immigration. Britain will only let in nice people who you wouldn’t mind moving in next door.
Electoral Reform. The present system of electing a remote, disinterested thief will be replaced by the Alternative Vote system, which will ensure that your MP pops round for a chat every week, clutching his expenses form for your approval.
Defence. Trident replacement will go ahead, but costs will be scrutinised for any potential savings, such as replacing the complex inertial guidance systems with a pilot.

In addition, the Post Office is to be sold off while still remaining in the state sector, in some unspecified way which you need not worry your pretty little head about.

Some unkind people have pointed out that the government’s pledges offer no suggestions for reducing the yawning chasm in Britain’s finances, however.

“Forgive me for bringing this up,” said a bad person this morning, “But, among other things, what’s the government’s position on the Public Finance Initiative, which for fifteen years has saddled future generations with a huge bill for unnecessary new infrastructure projects, yet doesn’t even appear on the balance sheet? Just a thought.”

Readers will be glad to know that this story has a happy ending, though - because the bad person was then shot by everybody’s favourite policewoman, Assistant Commissioner Cressida Dick, who was on her way to Buckingham Palace to receive a nice shiny medal from the queen for saving the country from being overrun by nasty foreign electricians.