BP Sucks

As BP continues to siphon off the leaking oil with a big straw, the US government has expressed some dissatisfaction with the petroleum giant’s efforts to combat the oil spill from the ruptured well head in the Gulf of Mexico, saying the technique the company was using was “no solution” to the crisis.

Speaking from his luxury corporate yacht, which is anchored directly above the leak, BP chief executive Kent Wells briefly took the straw from his mouth to refute the allegations, but hastily reinserted it as a fountain of crude oil sprayed hundreds of feet in the air.

He later wrote a message for reporters, claiming he was confident that the insertion into the broken pipeline of a straw and bung would capture three quarters of the leak.

Earlier, the company reassured the US authorities that it would honour its legal obligations, irrespective of a statutory cap on damages payable by the oil industry of $75bn.

“We promise that we will settle all legitimate damages claims,” promised a BP spokesman. “Just tell those oil-covered birds to fill out a form, and we’ll deal with each one on its merits.”