A lately-graduated Labourer by the name of Jack told your humble Journal-writer of his great relief at hearing that his rightful owners in the Grand Con-Federation of British Industry were all right, as he did gamely sweat and struggle to comply with their Orders to pull their ladder up.
"I be so lucky, my good Master Neville," he gasp'd hopefully, as he strove to stow his Masters' enormous Gold-plated Ladder. "For I do owe Milords only twenty thowsand Guineas after the finishing of my Degree; so it be possible, God willing, that - even allowing for Deductions for my stabling, oates and veterinary costs - I may, one day, be in such a position as to purchase my Freedom from these huge, crippling Debts afore I be call'd to My Maker's side."
The Great and the Good from the Spheere of Commerce have, this day, impress'd upon Her Majesty's Ministers of Government the need to command vast increases in students' Tuition Fees; and, furthermore, to levy punitive interest rates on their Loanes, in order to pre-vent future generations of Jacks from ever harbouring the veriest scrap of Hope that they may one day gain some measure of Control over their worth-less Lives.
"Why, Sir, we can no longer be said to live in the Renaissance Period - much as it paines me to say it - when a fine young Gentle-man such as Myself could swan off to Oxford free of charge to read History, or what-have-you, at Balliol; after Sojourning at his leisure in Foreign climes for a few agreeably pleasant years on a Grand Tour, so that he may be deem'd financially independent; in order that the Father - God bless him - need not trouble himself to loosen his purse-strings for some burden-some parental contribution to one's Grant," smil'd Director General Mr. Richard Lambert, reclining on a couch as a trembling graduate peel'd him a Grape.
"Indeed; for is it not the case, Sir, that the tiresomely-abundant Tradesman classes of today needs must be made to understand that they are put on God's good Earth solely to serve the likes of Us, and our Dynasties?" huff'd his periwigged deputy Sir John Cridland, CBE; who did also study History, at the taxpayer's expense, at Christes College, Cambridge. "And I will go further, Sir! God curse me for a China-man, should I neglect to Vouch this before all here present: that the best - nay, the only - way in which the Enlightenment of the masses may be Fostered, in regard to the Gravity of this Matter, is to prevent the jumped-up Coxcombs from ever threatening to topple Us from Our divinely-ordained positions at the Pinnacle of Society, by forcing the Curs into financial Servitude for ever, God damn their worth-less hides! Huzzah!"
The good and noble gentle-men did further contend that only the teaching of the most profitable subjects - to whit: Science; Algebra; The Invention of Patent Devices; and The Cacophonous Babble of Pecunious Foreigners - ought, in their consider'd Opinions, to be tolerated within the hallow'd halls of Academe.
"Make no mistake, Sir, I caution you," thunder'd Mr. Lambert, "In this glorious era of Progress, there can be no place for such Worth-less Fripperies as Journal-ism, Studiae Mediorum or History; such as can lead only to the idle chattering of the Teeth and the fogging of the Mind. The Pox, I say, on all such Fools and their Foolish-ness!"
No comments:
Post a Comment