The General Medical Council has today issued new guidelines to Britain's doctors, telling them to abandon the basic principles of medical confidentiality on which the entire healthcare sector rests, and share your medical details with anyone they, in their Godlike wisdom, decide might like to see them.
"There's no need for the idiot public to worry their stupid heads about this," scowled Jane Strangelove, the GMC's head of standards and ethics, who came up with the proposals after reading a book about Nazi medical experiments. "As far as they know, this is all about reducing knife crime. Quite how grassing up somebody who chopped their fingertip off as they were dicing carrots will do that, we don't really know - but people who aren't doctors are notoriously stupid, so no doubt the Sun will come up with some fuzzy logic to paper over the cracks."
Under the new plans, GPs will also be able to notify a policeman sitting in the corner of the consulting room if they think a patient has committed, or may commit, a crime.
"Ever since the infallible Dr Watson gave his invaluable assistance to the world's leading detective, the professional medic's aptitude for detecting crime even before it occurs has been well-documented," screamed the black-uniformed Ms Strangelove. "We have access to key medical information, such as the tell-tale shape of criminals' heads and their racial characteristics, which our onerous but well-rewarded responsibility as servants of the all-powerful state compels us to hand over to the police, so they can better carry out their honourable duty of locking people up for crimes they haven't committed."
GPs will also be urged to release confidential information about patients' hereditary conditions to any or all of their relatives, regardless of the patient's wishes.
"Let us imagine that a patient has a terrible genetic disorder which they could pass on to their children, such as autism, ginger hair or a tendency to run to fat in their thirties," screeched Ms Strangelove, thumping the rostrum for emphasis. "Does a doctor not have the moral right - indeed, the moral imperative - to warn their partner and in-laws that the sub-human cripples doomed to issue from this miscegenated union will be nothing but a burden on them and, more importantly, the state?"
Doctors, police chiefs and NHS budget managers leapt to their feet and cheered their support for the new proposals, before rushing back to their practices to weed out the enemies of the state.
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