Britain's premier chavmobile outlet may soon shed 1,100 British jobs, it was claimed today, in the wake of Magna's buyout of a majority shareholding in Opel and its small regional badge-engineering subsidiary, Vauxhall.
"An Opel Astra with a plastic Vauxhall badge on the boot is the conveyance of choice for the discerning chav," said a government spokesman, as talks continued in a last-ditch effort to persuade the Canadian car-parts manufacturer to sack a lot of Germans instead. "But the problem, from a manufacturing point of view, is that the little shits only buy clapped-out old bangers that are at least ten years old. Then they spend the rest of their hard-thieved cash on essential accessories like a big blue light under the floorpan, a satnav to remind them where their latest 14-year-old girlfriend lives, and of course the big rear wing which is so essential to prevent the vehicle from launching itself into orbit as it burns away from traffic lights and pursuing police cars."
"And that was before the bank cancelled all their cards, forcing them to send all their bling off in the post in the forlorn hope of recovering maybe a tenth of what they paid for it," he added.
A spares manufacturer was seen as the perfect partner to take over the running of ailing General Motors' European operations, he explained, as bits were always falling off the chavmobiles due to their owners' habit of clipping kerbs, walls, other vehicles, pedestrians and lamp-posts as they race around urban streets in circles every evening, in an instinctive ritual which - according to anthropologists - may serve to stimulate hormone production in underage females, making them more amenable to a brief, grunting poke on the stained rear seats of their boyfriends' shonky passion-wagons.
"Of course, there will still be work at our Ellesmere Port and Luton plants for the foreseeable future," promised Siegfried Wolf, Magna's co-chief executive. "As your chavscum revert to their natural state of poverty, they will no longer be able to afford our current range of parts. We are already busy gathering up all the unsold new and second-hand right-hand-drive Opels - sorry, Vauxhalls, you're touchy about that aren't you? - from the dealers' showrooms, prior to breaking them down at our former factories, to be sold to your bankrupt chav army as 'fully-reconditioned spares'."
"Of course, this means they will have nothing to buy in ten years' time," he continued. "But by then we'll have long since disappeared over the horizon, and the government of the day will be spending your nation's last remaining pennies on yet another futile, hand-wringing inquiry into whether it was really such an economic master-stroke to sit contentedly on their fat asses and do nothing to stop the final remnants of your once-mighty industrial base from falling in the grasping hands of a bunch of asset-stripping chancers."
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