The world's two media superpowers are on the brink of war today as Silvio Berlusconi, the prime minister of Mediaset, accuses News International dictator Rupert Murdoch of massing his columns and briefing his leaders for a sneak attack.
Berlusconi launched pre-emptive libel strikes at dawn on Murdoch's allies in Italy, France and Spain, which have recently seen increasing assaults on Mr Berlusconi's reputation. He is also said to be considering plans to invade Britain's libel courts, once the continent has fallen under his heel.
"I am the legitimate head of a domineering multimedia empire which controls public opinion by constantly showing tits, tits and more tits," said an indignant Mr Berlusconi. "How dare this gangster Murdoch accuse me of being a corrupt politician? I am a corrupt emperor, no less, and anybody who contradicts me will be smothered to death live on TV between the heavenly breasts of my legion of MEPs!"
Mr Murdoch, meanwhile, was too busy patting his ten-year-old son James on the head for his recent daring attack on the BBC to respond to the Mediaset chief's threats.
"Don't worry, punters of Britain," said little James Murdoch later, as he showed off his shiny new bicycle. "My daddy and me will save you from the dual horrors of free news from the evil BBC and a terrifying onslaught of wobbling Italian tits. There's more plucky, firm, 100% British tits in the Sun!"
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