Britain woke up this morning in the Mediterranean, lying face-down in a stinking puddle of regurgitated beer, according to a spokesman for the Know Your Limits Campaign.
The badly-soiled nation staggered groggily to its feet, banging its aching Scotland against Italy and the Greek islands before wandering off in search of a beach bar somewhere on the Costa del Sol.
"On average, when Britain is on holiday it drinks its own weight in cheap booze every two days," mumbled public health minister Gillian Merry, stumbling unsteadily around in her piss-stained knickers and a flip-flop with a bag of ice clasped to her forehead. "But what's wrong wiv that, I arsk yer? Gotta 'ave a larf, incha? You gotta problem or summink? Fucken bastarzz... aah... cor fackinell, look over there at that Ibiza, eh? Izzat fit or wot? Oi, 'ansome, cop a load of these babies!"
"Every year Britain arrives in the Mediterranean with a single aim: to get smashed out of its tiny mind from the moment it arrives until it gets back home," said Spain. "Is it really so terrible to be Britain nowadays that the only way to endure its miserable existence is to drink itself stupid every single day?"
NHS experts warn that if Britain continues its alcoholic binge, its health will suffer the consequences.
"If Britain doesn't start looking after itself, it could suffer from advanced Manchester failure or even a fatal Glasgow attack," said India, a senior consultant. "And, of course, it could easily wake up one morning to find itself fucked, but with no idea of how it happened."
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