No-frills airline Ryanair is investigating the possibility of making passengers cling to the leading edge of the wings, after chief executive Michael O'Leary watched the Flight of the Phoenix on DVD last night.
"Our tight-fisted, penny-pinching passengers are scum of the worst kind, and if I had my way they wouldn't be allowed on our planes at all," hissed Mr O'Leary from his rubber-walled office. "But the bastards seem to think that peeling off a couple of fivers and giving them to me somehow entitles them to a flight."
Ryanair is said to be in discussions with Boeing about the possibility of screwing a job lot of B&Q drawer handles to the leading-edge slats of its fleet of airliners. However, a spokesman for the manufacturers pointed out that dozens of bodies flailing in the 450-knot slipstream would almost certainly have some disruptive effect on the airflow over the upper wing surface, leading to a catastrophic loss of lift and certain death for all aboard the aircraft.
"Perhaps Mr O'Leary ought to watch A Bridge Too Far instead," he suggested. "A stout cable attached to the tail of a 737-400 should be able to tow up to fifty passengers in a flimsy glider - or a hundred if they just wear roller skates and hang on for grim life."
"And if the plane encounters difficulties, the pilot can always cast off the tow rope," he added sagely.
Ryanair's long-suffering passengers said they were open to suggestions, as long as they were able to amuse themselves in the departure lounge by pushing Mr O'Leary's head down a toilet and banging the seat repeatedly against his neck until he stopped moving.
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