Bishop of Rochester Calls On Gays To Repent or Be Cast Into Darkest Pit of Hell

Bishop 'Buggerlugs' Nazir-Ali, the fearsome Bishop of Rochester, Lewes and Willesden Junction, has sparked furious debate by calling on gays and lesbians in the Church of England to repent.

The bishop - who is stepping down in September, after boycotting the church's Lambeth Walk earlier this year - told the Sunday Telegraph: "The Bible's teaching shows that marriage is between a man and a woman - not some ponce in a dress and a monstrous laboratory experiment with tits and a willy."

"We welcome homosexuals - in fact we're warming the pokers for them right now," he continued. "We don't want to exclude people, but we want them to repent of their abominable cock-gobbling and rug-munching perversions and be changed into something resembling a decent human being fit to enter God's holy church without being fried to a cinder by a well-earned bolt of lightning."

"You know, in a very real sense, it makes me want to puke my ruddy guts out whenever I think of a buff, athletic young stallion doing unspeakable things to his fellow man's pert, superbly-toned bottom," he added. "Blimey, guv'nor, I don't even want to think about it - an' yet, funnily enough, I can't seem to think about nuffink else. I want to watch them fuck a member of the opposite sex bandy an' scream with holy sexual abandon before I'll let benders and dykes set foot inside my bastard nave, know wot I mean?"

"Please excuse me for a moment, won't you?" he added. "I feel that God is calling me to the bathroom."

"Vicars with tits was bad enough," ranted the bishop when he returned. "But if you arsk me, mate, the rot set in good and proper when they started letting wogs dress up in white man's vestments. I mean, fair enough, there's a bit of a clergy shortage an' all that, I grant yer - but I shouldn't be a bleedin' bishop, should I? By rights, I oughter be leapin' round in a loincloth, worshipping a sodding great wooden cock or something. A darky bishop? It ain't right, I tell yer straight."

Peter Tatchell, a militant campaigner and self-professed connoisseur of the masculine bottom, refused to comment on suggestions that Lord Percy has been invited to take part in a planned 'honey-trap' publicity stunt involving the bishop, a portrait painter and a dildo of truly frightening proportions.