The city of Plymouth - which, following a top-secret scientific experiment carried out by the Navy which went horribly wrong, was sucked into a time warp several decades ago - is reported to have caught up with the 1980s at last, according to reports that the Conservative-led council has just discovered Thatcherism.
Council leader Vivien Pengelly took time out from bleaching her hair to say that her plan to sell the city-owned bus company to a rich friend of a fellow Tory was inspired by Post Office Telephones' amusing Busby cartoon character and the gas board's elusive Sid.
"Sadly, Plymouth is a democracy, and I need to convince the scum that this is in their best interests, rather than just a spurious attempt to make it look like I've single-handedly wiped out a £39m budget deficit when next year's council elections come around," smiled a blue-suited Mrs Pengelly. "Perhaps we ought to spend a few million quid of their council tax on an advertising campaign featuring a lovable cuddly character, possibly called Vivien."
"This new 'privatisation' idea will bring untold benefits to Plymouth," she continued. "A bus company owned by a respectable get-rich-quick taxi operator will reduce fares to zero, run 24-hour services to your doorstep, purchase a fleet of luxury buses with armchairs and topless waitresses and transform this city into a veritable paradise, where everyone will be a millionaire. Rejoice! Rejoice! Rejoice!"
However, Labour group leader Eddie Tudor-Pole expressed anger that he hadn't thought of the idea in the days when he was running Plymouth as his own personal fiefdom.
"Selling off one of Plymouth's few remaining assets is irresponsible, short-sighted opportunism which will come back to haunt the city for ever more," he said. "Mrs Pengelly herself told me when I tried to sell the housing stock. And I told her the same thing when she carried on selling the housing stock."
"Hello, we exist," said a token Liberal Democrat, whose party has no seats on the council.
If the sale goes ahead, Mrs Pengelly plans to use the revenue to buy a small rowing boat and declare war on distant Exeter.
"It's very sad really," said an expert on relativity at Plymouth Polytechnic. "One day Plymouth is going to discover that the British Empire no longer exists, with dire consequences for its entirely navy-centred economy. Although it may take 25 years for them to realise it."
Sir Francis Drake was not available for comment, although he is expected back from his round-the-world voyage any day now.
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