Harman Thrusts Britain Into Exciting New Era of Popular Democracy

Deputy Labour leader Harriet Harman QC has told Britain's youngest pensioner, black hole expert Sir Fred Hugewin, that he "should not count on being £650,000 better off", arguing on yesterday's Andrew Marr Plays Guitar Show that his enormous payout was unacceptable in "the court of public opinion".

The court formally convened this morning, after the formal swearing-in of a jury of 46,317,369 adult citizens took place throughout the night. However, Sir Fred's barrister immediately called for a mistrial to be declared, saying he had good reason to believe that the jury would be unfairly biased against his client as they had all either lost savings, jobs or all hope for the future as a result of Sir Fred's undisputed financial incompetence. The judge concurred, the case was thrown out and the court adjourned for the rest of the day.

Further cases due to be brought before Ms Harman's exciting new court of public opinion this week include:

- the right to string up Gordon Brown from the nearest tree;

- the replacement of useless, greedy politicians with a state of amicable anarchy;

- the immediate sacking of all civil servants and local government officers;

- telling the bloody Yanks to fight their own stupid wars;

- calling on our trusted American allies to support us in declaring war upon the European Union;

- protecting our hard-won British civil rights;

- the abolition of stupid European human rights;

- forcing foreigners and Moslems to wear a yellow badge at all times;

- the inalienable right of all parents to bring up their children as they see fit, free from any interference from nosey social workers;

- the execution of all social workers who fail to immediately remove all at-risk children from their incompetent, murderous parents;

- the freedom to sort out that skiving cow down the road and her annoying bastard kids good and proper;

- cutting the goolies off suspected sex offenders without the use of anaesthetics;

- the abolition of taxation on fuel, alcohol, income, Ugg boots and everything else;

- more government spending on schools, hospitals, pensions, defence, crime reduction, job creation, roads and whatever;

- the return of decent programmes on the telly;

-the abolition of the TV licence, and a free Sky box in every home;

- an end to this ridiculous media circus surrounding all those so-called celebrities;

- the elevation of Jade Goody to the House of Lords before she pops her clogs.

The court of public opinion is expected to either deliver the resounding triumph of good old British common sense or bring about the complete breakdown of society by Friday.