The Immigration Minister, Phil Dumbas, has hit out at the National Audit Office for releasing figures indicating that one in nine of the UK's population was born overseas.
Branding the publication of facts as "at best naïve or, at worst, sinister", the minister accused the independent auditors of "playing politics" with the statistics.
"By publishing these vicious, misleading facts, the so-called National Audit Office has nailed its political colours firmly to the mast for all to see," screamed Mr Dumbas. "And those colours are blue! And - er - another shade of blue."
"Just because the figure quoted happens to be entirely accurate, there was no justification for drawing attention to it by releasing it to the press," continued the Immigration Minister, in rising tones of hysteria. "Decent British racists need to know that there are good foreigners as well as bad ones. Good foreigners include those children of our brave British squaddies who suffer the indignity of being born overseas, international students who have the decency to bugger off back home, and dodgy Russian billionaires who buy football teams or newspapers. The rest are all bad foreigners, obviously, like Poles and Muslims and whatnot."
"This important distinction was missed by the media," he added, "Because it was deliberately hidden away where no journalist would ever see it - on page 2 of the press release."
Nobody from the NAO was available for comment, as the nation's statisticians were all too busy playing with Excel. Mysteriously prominent on every desk, however, were calculators displaying one of two numbers, 717 or 8008.