Monday, 2 March 2009

Spiritualist Receives Message

David Chenery-Wickens, a spiritualist minister, has been found guilty and jailed for life for murdering his make-up artist wife Diane last year, after she confronted him over his extra-marital affairs and lies about their finances.

In the course of the trial, Mr Chenery-Wickens movingly summoned the spirit of his departed wife from the great hereafter to the witness box, and explained to the court that she was telling them that he definitely wasn't her killer, although if he was then she had forgiven him and was hoping that the jury would do the same.

"My late lady wife may have been a make-up artist," said Mr Chenery-Wickens, kicking the witness stand as he spoke, "But the Great Spirit who dwells above assures you that I am not - and as character witnesses I would like to call Wendy Richard, Tony Hart, Harold Pinter, Heath Ledger, Pope John Paul II, Mother Theresa, Elvis Presley, Sir Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, William Shakespeare, the Emperor Augustus and King Solomon."

"Is there anyone present in this courtroom who is wearing blue pants and has recently lost a loved one whose name contains the letter A?" he continued, pulling a white net curtain from his left nostril. "They have a special message for you. They're saying that they're really ever so happy in heaven although of course they miss you very much, and by the way God asked them to pass on a message saying that the bloke in the dock didn't do it."

However, the jury foreman told the judge, Mr Justice Cooke, that he and his fellow jurors had spent the trial in constant communion with the spirit of justice via ouija board - which, he said, kept frantically spelling out the same word, B-O-L-L-O-C-K-S, every time the defendant opened his mouth.

The guilty wife-slaughtering fraud was then led away to begin his sentence in prison, where Big Ron is said to be looking forward to giving Mr Chenery-Wickens an unforgettable ectoplasmic experience in the showers.

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