“Back to Work, Stumpy” Says Government

The government has started telling the sick and disabled to get off their sodding arses and do some bloody work for a change.

With the introduction today of the Employment and Support Allowance, which replaces Incapacity Benefit, new claimants are to face a barrage of interviews and tests from Jobcentre staff with no medical training whatsoever.

“Anyone with at least one eye and a stump is capable of sitting at a checkout in Tesco, pushing groceries through the scanner and pressing a few buttons on the till, if they’re securely strapped to the chair,” said Work and Pensions Secretary James Purnell. “Meanwhile, the mentally-deficient can be gainfully employed as coat racks or draught excluders. As for those suffering from so-called mental health issues, they can look forward to getting slapped on the cheek until they stop their pathetic whiny snivelling and pull themselves together. God, you people make me sick.”

The government hopes that the new, sterner measures will result in reducing the number of people on sickness benefits by a million, either through forcing them into undignified, meaningless non-jobs or by natural wastage through suicide.

“I’m really looking forward to learning the timetables and sitting in the rain all day holding a bus stop sign,” said one lazy multiple-sclerotic workshy in a comfortable, motorised wheelchair. “Who knows what career opportunities will be opened up by my long-overdue return to the world of employment?”

“Before my Jobcentre assessment this morning, I didn‘t care if I lived or died,” added a perfectly fit-looking young man with severe bipolar disorder but a full, working complement of arms and legs. “Now I just want to curl up and die.”