Sun readers across Britain breathed a collective grunt of relief as it transpired that the complex, introspective crisis of national morality sparked by Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross was really all about some bird with a stonking pair of charlies.
As the contrite Brand flew out of Britain on a cloud of hashish smoke to begin his self-imposed exile on the remote, barren island of continental America - and a shamed Ross prepared to atone for his crimes against taste and decency by disembowelling himself with a sharpened Akira DVD - the Sun helped its struggling, disturbed readers to deal with the strange, uncomfortable feelings in their heads known to the medical establishment as ‘thoughts’ by filling its pages with a series of pictures of Andrew Sachs’ grand-daughter, Georgina Baillie, in her undercrackers.
The national debate on the corporate responsibilities of the BBC was also brought into sharp focus as the Sun explained to its confused readers that Brand had shouted ‘Que?’ at Ms Baillie in mid-poke.
“I’ve spent the last week stunned by frightening, unfamiliar concepts like taste, decency and responsibility,” said Sun reader Ryan Chav. “Now, thanks to the Sun, I think I’ve grasped the fundamental concept behind this nationwide outbreak of moral angst, namely that Manuel’s little princess is a tasty little fuck-bunny.”
Mr Chav revealed that he would be logging onto the Sun’s website to view Ms Baillie’s ‘sizzling video’ in the hope of seeing her showing pink in some red-hot lesbo filth, in order to clarify a few unresolved issues brought to the fore by the media furore.
“But she’ll probably only be poncing round in a basque and stockings,” he added mournfully. “I expect I’ll have to trawl through the usual dodgy Eastern European schoolgirl-action sites for the moral guidance I seek.”
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