Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old star of US hit show Hannah Montana, has put the finishing touches to her eagerly-awaited memoirs, which critics are hailing as the most important book ever written.
The early chapters of the pop sensation’s autobiography are said to cover the period from her conception to the development of her limbs, leading up to her dramatic birth at the tender age of 0.
“My dad was like, ‘Wow!’ and my mum was like ‘Jeeesus-H-Fucking-Christ!!!’” says the teenager. “I thought, like, wow, like some appreciation here would be kinda nice? But then I realised like, hey, I’m actually BREATHING, like totally BREATHING AIR. Then - talk about unprovoked assault, which is like a felony, right? - this so-called doctor, like, SLAPPED me on the fanny? Hel-lo? Lawsuit Central! That‘s just like such an invasion of my personal space, not to mention SO disrespecting me as a woman?”
In later chapters Miss Cyrus movingly describes the agony of teething, and the lasting trauma stemming from the awful moment when she realised that her father, Billy Ray Cyrus, was responsible for ‘Achy Breaky Heart’.