Plymouth’s very own terrorist, Crikey Blimey O’Reilly, pleaded guilty via video-link at the Old Bailey yesterday, following his failed attempt to blow up a toilet in Exeter.
O’Crikey is said to suffer from autism, Asperger’s Syndrome, low IQ, learning difficulties, terminal stupidity, cack-handedness, rabies, piles, an ingrowing toenail, nosebleeds, the screaming shits and the wildly-erroneous belief that an essential part of converting to Islam is an irrational vow to destroy the washroom facilities of the West.
Sentencing has been adjourned until the judge can stop laughing.
Some legal experts suggest that if O’Blimey had pleaded exemption from trial on the grounds of diminished responsibility, he would probably have got nothing more than a couple of years in a psychiatric unit.
However, in his willingness to have his hour - or possibly fifteen minutes - in court, the would-be martyr is thought to have set himself up nicely for eight to fifteen years in the maximum-security HMP Belmarsh, where he will provide welcome amusement to proper terrorists with his woeful tale of Janner incompetence.
“It’s the result we were hoping for,” said a spokesman for the Devon & Cornwall Police. “If O’Blimey had entered a Not Guilty plea, we might have had to tell the court why we endangered the travelling public by allowing a suspect under surveillance to take a bomb on a 45-mile bus ride to Exeter.”