Monday, 13 October 2008

Turn That Bloody Crap Off, Says EU

The European Commission today told millions of young people with MP3 and CD players that if they didn’t turn that bloody crap off, they risked permanent hearing damage.

“If you listen to that bloody crap for more than an hour a day, in five years’ time you’ll be deaf as a post,” shouted a spokesman.

“Turn it down, for God’s sake,” he added. “Bloody ’tss tss tss’ all the time, it’s driving me mad. Jesus Christ!”

According to the latest EU scientific research, young people today are not listening to proper music with a tune or anything. Continued exposure to high levels of bloody crap mean that, after five years, many listeners will be tone deaf for the rest of their lives.

The EU is looking into whether technical improvements could minimise the damage.

“What we need is some kind of filter that lets Tom Jones, Edith Piaf and Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ through, but blocks bloody crap like the Ting Tings or Simian Mobile Disco,” said the spokesman. “And Amy sodding Winehouse, of course.”

One proposal under consideration is the banning of CDs and MP3s altogether and reverting to cassettes, forcing the younger generation to listen to nothing more recent than ‘Pro-Gen’ by the Shamen, with a heavy emphasis on the albums of Queen and Dire Straits.

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