Tuesday, 14 October 2008

Liverpool Pensioner To Stop Signing Fan Mail

A retired drummer from Liverpool has announced that he is too busy to sign autographs.

Mr Ringo Starr, 68, was famous in the sixties as the talentless one in the Beatles, who were forced to put up with his uninspired performances because drum machines had yet to be invented. He reached a new audience in later years with his droning, nasal efforts at narrating the Thomas the Tank Engine TV series which, judging from his lamentable reading of the script, he seemed to think was a public information documentary.

“I get loads of fan mail, me,” insisted Mr Starr at his retirement home. “Look, here’s a letter from somebody inviting me to join his book club. And another one wants me to save money to cover the costs of my funeral - and he’s even sent me a pen! Sorry, but I’ve got far too many things to do in my busy pop-star life. I’m due for my cocoa in a minute, and then there’s a repeat of Midsomer Murders on the telly. From now on, all my fan mail’s going straight in the bin. Even the one from a fan in Eastern Europe who wants me to send him my unwanted clothing for some charity fundraising event or other. Sorry.”

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