Professor Noel Gallagher, head of Media Studies at Oasis University, has hit out at reality television shows, claiming they have “absolutely nothing to do with music and everything to do with television”.
In his latest academic research paper - entitled ’Dig Out Your Soul’ - Professor Gallagher singles out his colleague Dr Dannii Minogue for particular criticism, claiming that extensive computer modelling had demonstrated that “if there’s one person in the room who wouldn’t know talent if it kicked them in the arse, it’s Dannii Minogue. See table 7.4c and accompanying notes for proof of hypothesis.”
The media expert also claimed that his research pointed to the inescapable conclusion that the Eurovision Song Contest featured entries from countries that were not technically part of Europe and, moreover, did not truly reflect current cross-cultural trends in popular music.
He went on to say that - surprising as it may seem to some viewers - Dr Who did not accurately portray the latest scientific thinking with regard to post-Einsteinian mathematical models of relativity and dimensionality.
The eminent Professor Gallagher also courted controversy with his claim that Coronation Street was not entirely accurate in its depiction of life in the Greater Manchester area - and ended his paper by stating that, although it lay outside his special area of expertise, he would not be surprised to find that the same theory could be shown to be true in relation to EastEnders and London.
He added that he would no longer be signing fan mail.