Prime Minister Gordon Brown has finally announced his long-awaited plans to give nearly a billion pounds to the business sector under the guise of helping to alleviate fuel poverty.
Under the scheme, the home-improvement trade is set for a mini-bonanza under the plan to install loft and cavity insulation in any homes not already insulated.
Grateful installation companies are already placing advertisements throughout Eastern Europe to recruit more cheap labour to install the energy-saving measures.
“As a strict Calvinist, the idea of giving away money to people who actually need it causes me real physical pain,” explained the Prime Minister. “I just couldn’t bring myself to give unearned handouts to feckless scroungers, even if some of the older ones might be in danger of freezing to death this winter. This way, the money all goes towards making company directors and investors richer, which is what Labour is all about.”
The Nev Filter had great difficulty contacting any poor people, as they are so amateurish and disorganised that they don’t seem to have any lobby groups or PR groups listed in our media contacts directory. However, when our cleaner came in she pointed out that really poor people tend to live in rented accommodation and, since landlords were generally not all that poor, they wouldn’t qualify for the free insulation and so wouldn’t sign up for it – even at half price - leaving their tenants shivering as usual.
She added that most residential accommodation in Britain has had insulation for years anyway and the bills were still astronomical, and told us: “you coked-up little media shits with your BMWs and your holiday homes in Tuscany have no sodding idea what poverty in the UK is.” We thanked her for her contribution and sent her on her way with a clip round the ear and a warning to show more respect to her betters.
Meanwhile, Gordon Brown is said to be looking at helpful ways to reduce the spiralling cost of everyday motoring next, with a plan to fit free solar panels to all high-performance cars costing over £50,000.