Sunday, 7 September 2008

World's Wackiest Racer Chained To A Post

Britain’s Lewis Perfect was stripped of his title as victor of the Belgian Wacky Race on Sunday after wicked, mustachio-twirling foreigners conspired to penalise him simply because, in a stroke of true British genius, he invented his own racetrack instead of sticking to the official one like some mindless, order-following automaton.

In a bold stroke of inspiration, the 23-year-old wonder realised that, instead of wasting precious seconds turning the wheels of his McLaren Turbo Terrific to negotiate a chicane deliberately placed in his path by scheming villains in league with the other teams, he could simply drive over it at full speed instead. The vital time he gained was enough to win the race against the double-dealing do-badder Felipe Masstardly.

However, in a disgraceful post-event stitch-up, evil Belgian race stewards – led, according to some eye-witnesses, by a floppy-eared, snickering hound - put forward the unlikely-sounding claim that, according to some so-called ‘rule-book’, Lewis Perfect was supposed to drive solely on the hard black bits of the Spa-Francorchamps racecourse. The youthful British hero was subjected to a humiliating 25-second handicap which not only handed the victory on a plate to the swarthy Masstardly’s Italian rust-bucket, but rubbed salt into the wound by leaving him trailing in third on the tail of the Red-Max Bull of Nick Heidfeld.

British Formula Wack fans were reduced to tears, claiming that the clearly racist decision was motivated purely by jealousy over Lewis Perfect’s dashing good looks which have stolen the heart of the lovely Ron Pitstop, the glamour gal of the gas pedal.

Meanwhile, the despicable, cheating Timo Glock in the Toyota Chuggabug was handed a richly-deserved 25-second penalty for ignoring yellow flags.

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