Faith schools are breeding grounds for terrorism, according to a leading academic psychologist and hole-digger.
Professor David Recanter, director of the University of Liverpool’s Centre for Investigative Psychology and Holes, said: “I have to say, and this is a personal point of view, that issues like faith schools are terribly dangerous – you know which ones I mean, so please don’t make me say it.”
Speaking from a deep pit excavated from the floor of his office, the professor said he had drawn his totally non-inflammatory findings from a huge body of interviews conducted on 49 convicted terrorists in India – all of whom, by pure coincidence, just happened to be Islamic.
“In the vain hope of avoiding an early and grisly death, I would like to add that I have no doubt that the violent past of Northern Ireland was due to religious schooling as well, er, probably,” added the professor hastily, as he furiously shovelled more earth from his trench. “Unfortunately I conducted no research whatsoever to back this up, despite the fact that there is a frequent ferry service between Liverpool and Ireland. It just seemed to me that the most convenient place to interview former terrorists was on the other side of the world.”
As his mobile phone signalled an ominously increasing number of text messages, the sweating professor yelled up from the depths of his hole that those innocent-looking Church of England primary schools were probably just as bad - and as for those Catholics, they might well be teaching children as young as seven that Guy Fawkes had the right idea.
At this point the university’s chancellor dropped by to tell Professor Recanter that he could stop digging now, as he had successfully managed to offend members of every religion in the world. He also announced that the Centre for Investigative Psychology and Holes would, with immediate effect, be transferred from Liverpool to a new campus in Afghanistan close to the Pakistan border, where the professor would be able to conduct his studies to his heart’s content.