Friday 11 July 2008

Civilisation Peaks As Apple Launches New Unnecessary Product

The world became a far better place today, as the starving, impoverished billions in the developing world celebrated the launch of the latest Apple iPhone.

“I can’t afford rice for my family,” said our poor Haitian farming correspondent, still clinging to his meagre existence on his blighted patch of soil. “And our cow has just died. However, I am glad that there are still people in the West who can scrape together the necessary funds to replace last year’s shiny new toy with this year’s shiny new toy. It gives me hope to think that someone, somewhere, is not in the same hellish, grinding nightmare as us.”

The iPhone has been hailed by consumer electronics magazines as the best gadget in the world ever, as it not only has all the features of the previous iPhone, but may work a bit better too.

“Future generations will look back on 2008 as the pinnacle of civilisation,” said the editor of Pointless Gadget Monthly. “The owner of this expensive knick-knack will finally be able to boast that they have actually achieved perfection.”

“This is the best moment of my life,” said delighted customer Greg McGeek of New Zealand, where the global iPhone rollout began. “It’s got widescreen, you can interface with YouTube, play MP3s and podcasts, take photos - and look! No keypad! You can dial with the touchscreen! How cool is that? My life is complete. Now I can surf the internet while I’m cycling to work, because I’m a really caring global citizen who does his bit to save the planet. Look, here’s a news story about the appalling contrast in values between the rich and poor of the world. I’m reading it as it’s being written, halfway across the world! My God, listen to this shallow, self-obsessed twerp. Hang on - I’m saying that, right now! It’s me! I’m in it! Er…”

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