Ongoing Economic Implosion May Just Possibly Hint at Recession After All, Say Businessmen

The UK is facing the threat of recession within three months, according to the quarterly report from the British Chambers of Commerce.

Many of the 5000 small- to medium-sized businesses surveyed said they were experiencing falling orders, cash-flow problems, rising costs and declining sales.

“We put our heads together over lunch at The Ivy and asked ourselves what could possibly be behind it all,” said one of the leading financial wizards from the Chambers of Commerce. “We thought it might be global warming, terrorists, dumbing down, knife culture, the Beijing Olympics and any number of other things that seem to scream from the front pages every day. Then somebody at the back piped up and said he’d heard of this thing called ‘recession’ that he’d read about on somebody’s website. We all laughed and said ‘Don’t be daft, Charlie, there’s no such thing!’ After all, you only read about recessions in history books – along with dictators, plutocrats and slavery. If they ever existed at all, they certainly don’t exist now – or so we all thought.”

“Every day the government says we’re experiencing a minor economic downturn,” he went on, “And we thought they must know what they’re talking about – after all, we trained all the civil servants who advise them. But it seems they’ve been talking out of their backsides for months. I’m going to dig myself a bunker, sell everything, lay in some supplies and a shotgun, and prepare to defend my family against the rampaging, ravenous mob.”

Gordon Brown - still looking rather full after his lavish meal at the G8 meeting yesterday - wiped a truffle off his chin and told reporters that although the global economy was experiencing some temporary setbacks, there was no recession.

“Even if there was,” he belched, “Then thanks to our net deficit, high borrowing, lack of gold reserves, over-reliance on service industries and dependency on fuel and food imports, Britain is well-placed to weather it.”

The Prime Minister hastily cut short the interview when he noticed an official from the World Bank approaching, with several bailiffs in tow.