English and Welsh members of the Police Federation have voted to demand the right to strike, in a move intended to pressure the government into backdating the police pay award.
“Let me read out a statement,” said spokesman PC Kevin Plod, rummaging in his pockets. “Here we are. Er… ‘Yeh it wuz me wot dun them murdas coppa, you got me bang to rites. Signed, Insert Name of Suspect.’ Sorry, wrong one - hang on, this is the one - ‘Awrite Brown lissen to this. We the coppas demmand the rite to go on strike you nonce. Giz the money you commy toerag, or else the streats wil run red wiv blud, and you kint send in the army cos there up to there necks in it alredy. Signed, The Filf.’”
“This has not been an easy decision for us to make,” added PC Plod. “Some of the speeches for and against were very long, until DS Savage of the Special Branch started punching the speakers in the mouth because, as he so eloquently put it, he hadn’t got all day. To add to the difficulties, we were asking our members to make a moral judgement, taking into consideration the greater needs of society. When it became clear that nobody had a clue what we were talking about, the motion was amended to read: ‘Do you want more dosh?’ To which our members responded with a resounding ‘Too bloody right’.”
Some dissenting voices were heard from longer-serving members of the Federation, however.
“Evenin’ all,” said a delegate from Dock Green. “I’ve been a copper all me life, and I remember when our pay was so low we used to have to top it up with benefits. Now these youngsters can join with no qualifications whatsoever, and get 21 grand a year before they’ve even started training. The only other people on that kind of deal are the army - and they get their knackers blown off in Afghanistan. Mind how you go now, sir.”
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