Mohammed Fayed today apologised to the Royal Family and to the nation after the Diana Inquest delivered a verdict of unlawful killing, The jury found that his drunk employee, driver Henri Paul, and the paparazzi were jointly responsible for the fatal Paris crash.
“I humbly retract all of my groundless, hysterical accusations,” said a repentant Fayed on the steps of the High Court. “Diana was certainly not murdered by Prince Philip, Prince Charles, MI5, MI6, MI:2 starring Tom Cruise, the SAS, the KGB, the KLF, CBBC, Islamic fundamentalists, the McCanns, Lee Harvey Oswald, Gavrilo Princip, Jack the Ripper, the Spanish Inquisition, Richard III or Pontius Pilate. I would like to withdraw my patently ridiculous claims - and if any of these parties wish to seek compensation, my cheque book is still open after writing one out to cover the massive cost of this entire ten-year farce, which has dragged on for far too long because I was too pig-headed to see the nose in front of my face.”
At that moment, Prince Philip drove past in a white Fiat Uno, coughing loudly.
“Germ warfare!” shrieked Fayed, running back up the steps. “I demand a retrial!”
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