As British Airways bans stroppy supermodel Naomi Campbell from its flights after throwing a hissy fit on one of its planes, and walking chemistry set Pete Doherty receives a 14-week prison sentence for breaching his probation terms, an exasperated Gordon Brown announced that a ban on celebrities would take effect from midnight tonight.
“These famous people are an unacceptable blight on British society,” declared the Prime Minister. “They have no respect for common standards of behaviour or decency, terrorising innocent members of the public with their high-profile celebrity lifestyles. I will not see ordinary members of the public put at risk by phone-throwing models or drug-crazed minor rock stars. I am giving all media tarts until midnight to hand themselves in to the the police, or it’s open season.”
Goody-goody pensioner Cliff Richard was the first star to comply, and is reported to have been taken to Dartmoor Prison under heavy security. Meanwhile, armed police have surrounded a house in which they believe Peter Andre and Jordan to be holed up with a hostage from Heat Magazine, and Stephen Fry is said to have died in a hail of bullets while desperately attempting to commandeer the best table at the Garrick Club.
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