British Animal Lovers Now Welling Up For Panda That Doesn’t Exist

Millions of mawkish fauna addicts are flocking to Edinburgh Zoo tonight to hold a teary candle-lit vigil for a poor hypothetical panda cub, which has cruelly been denied its very existence through the tragic reluctance of its potential parents to give a shit.

This could have been a panda. But it isn't. And now it never will be

“I’m afraid there is now very little hope that this cute widdle baby panda will ever come into being,” sobbed a red-eyed Sir David Attenborough, after the zoo’s valiant attempts to draw male panda Gang Buang’s attention to his potential mate Tin Can’s erogenous zones met with tragic failure when it was discovered that pandas appear to lack any form of erogenous zones.

“We built a ‘love tunnel’ shaped like an enormous fuzzy Aunt Jemima from his enclosure to hers,” wept head keeper John Morris, “But all the dozy bugger does is sit there, obstinately reading intellectual journals, deconstructing the zeitgeist and dreaming up new theories about dark matter. Now she’s got a major strop on and she’s started writing a feminist blog for the Guardian.”

Devastated zoo managers expressed the hope that every heartbroken animal worshipper will buy a cuddly symbolic memento from its gift shop, take it home and lovingly bury it in a sunny corner of their garden to honour the memory of the panda baby which, tragically, never had a chance to live.

Meanwhile - unnoticed on the unimportant parts of the planet such as Mali, Somalia, Greece, Sudan, Syria, Libya, Afghanistan, Russia, Texas and California - members of a common species of ape continue to die violently, as nature intended.