Daily Mail Uncovers Unspeakable European Mouse Organ Plot

Public-spirited reporters at the Daily Mail have uncovered, hidden away deep in their imaginations, an unspeakable European plot to beat innocent laboratory animals to death with heavy mallets, just to see if their dying squeaks can be arranged to the tune of ‘The Bells of St. Mary’s’.

Hitler's EU gauleiters will force you to do this. Yes they will

“Make no mistake,” thundered the typically restrained article. “Sick European lawmakers will force blunt instruments into the hands of you and your children, and order you and your sobbing loved ones to thump poor, defenceless white mice’s guts out for their twisted amusement.”

“While you are reluctantly pulping cute little mice, sadistic Canadian fishermen will be swiping larger animals’ heads clean off with nail-encrusted baseball bats,” it went on.

Twirling his evil moustache and jibber-jabbering away nineteen to the dozen in some foreign lingo, an evil Eurocrat of the Fourth Reich told the doughty British people, through a Mail interpreter: “Oui, señor, I am – ‘ow you say - a sausage-eating greasy spick wop froggie dago Nazi, and I live only to dream up new ways to enrage you, you motherless pig-dog heretic Englanders.”

Meanwhile, thousands of abattoir workers were left wondering why their spoilsport bosses have, for many years, interpreted the actual phrase used - “a percussive blow to the head” - to mean a machine which fires bolts into the brains of livestock, cruelly denying them the traditional countryside pleasure of beating a cow to death with a scaffolding pole.