Weather Forecast: Australia Sucked Into Space, USA Lost To Glaciers

Hurricane Yasi bears down on fragile Queensland

Australians are today putting a brave face on the prospect of spending the rest of their lives wandering through space on a barren chunk of rock, which is what news experts are confidently predicting will be their tragic fate when evil Hurricane Yasi casually tears their subcontinent from the face of the earth and hurls it into the hostile interstellar void.

“Although Australia is a bonzer place to live, if you’re white, unfortunately it is not best suited to sustaining human life indefinitely in the airless reaches of deep space,” admitted Queensland state premier Anna Bligh, wearing a white trouser suit with a fetching black sleeve. “Any Australians who are not strapped down in underground shelters are likely to explode messily before being pulped to a bloody smear by the unimaginable gravitational forces of this category five storm, although on the plus side this should solve the Abo problem once and for all.”

“However, all is not lost,” she continued brightly. “A doddery old genius with just a year to live has kindly volunteered to strap booster rockets to Qantas’ airliner fleet, which will enable us to voyage to any life-supporting planets we might whizz past, in the hope that their inhabitants will agree to share their dusty world and not try to destroy us, conquer us, rip out our internal organs for transplants or eat us.”

“And there is every likelihood that, somewhere along the way, we will be able to enlist the help of a shape-shifting space-sheila who will assist us greatly by smashing mad computers with her deadly wombat claws, and uncovering alien weirdos’ deadly schemes by infiltrating their huge spaceships disguised as a lovable koala.”

“Oh Christ, not again,” moaned legendary Australian bit-part actor Nick Tate.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, the United States is already vanishing rapidly under the 500mph onslaught of mile-thick glaciers sweeping down the rivers deep from the mountains high.

“Look, I told you once and I’ll tell you again,” commented God angrily, “It’s your own bloody fault.”