Dunce Osborne Given Six Of The Best

Davos didn't quite go as well as Mr Osborne hoped

George Osborne has finally limped out of the World Economics Teachers’ Common Room today, tear-streaked and clutching his buttocks, after his prep was unceremoniously given 0/10 and torn up in front of him.

Little George, 13, who says he has put a lot of work into his economics experiment, received a dreaded ‘See us’ note on Friday after handing in his homework project, the transformation of Britain into a pre-Victorian workhouse.

“Cutting your way out of a recession? Wherever did you pick up such nonsense, boy?” roared his form master, as teacher’s pet Barack Obama stood at the door sniggering. “Cuts lead to a sharp increase in unemployment, which reduces the overall amount of money in the system! The correct response to a recession is government stimulus of key industries - Keynes, Chapter 3! Perhaps, Osborne, you were too busy skiing or playing Soggy Biscuit with your dorm chums Cameron and Clegg to read the set text? I’m afraid I shall have to beat you severely, boy.”

Little master Osborne tried to protest, but his lame excuses cut no ice with his irate teachers.

“’I don’t like taxes’?” bellowed the headmaster. “Balderdash! Taxes are the main source of government revenue, and without revenue how are governments supposed to inject money into a stagnant economy to keep it moving? Bend over at once, boy - I can see I’m going to have to administer this beating personally.”

When young George emerged, however, he promptly told his admiring classmates through gritted teeth that it didn’t hurt at all, really, because he’d cleverly stuck all his research notes down the back of his shorts.

His prestige plummeted, however, when sneaky swot Obama set to work with his slide rule and calculated that George’s notes - consisting of a solitary page torn out of an old Reaganomics primer - would only have absorbed 0.007% of the cane’s impact.

The BBC later apologised.