Police Knock Ten Grand Off The Value Of Your House

Looks like you'll be stuck there for years, mate

Estate agents across the UK were tearing their hair out today, as a new police website showing crime levels by postcode went online at midnight and promptly sent the ailing property market into freefall.

“We’ve been inundated with calls from homebuyers demanding ten or twenty grand knocked off the price of the house they’ve put in an offer for, after finding out that the ‘vibrant local community’ we mentioned in the ad turns out to be a gangland turf war,” complained a tearful Darren Whideboys, of North London estate agents Lyre & Whideboys.

“There tend to be solid underlying reasons why more people want to sell up and get out of certain areas,” he explained, “And chief among them is that they live in a crime-infested shithole. It’s obvious if you think about it, but fortunately for us people generally don’t. Well, they didn’t until today. Thanks, plods, there’s about to be quite a few high street business/retail premises in the stagnant 1000-2500sq.ft. category coming onto the market.”

Police officers, however, claim that www.police.uk has been a runaway success, showing that residential areas where a lot of officers happen to live are consistently showing reassuringly low levels of crime.

“I’ve told all my green-eyed Facebook mates to check up on just how desirable my manor is,” smiled Det Sup Savage. “Then they find out that they have about five times as many recorded crimes right outside their front door as my entire electoral ward gets. Apparently the site keeps over with all the traffic, so my mate Derek on the IT helpdesk should get a nice wad of overtime out of it.”