Stephen Fry Beheaded, Poor Mexicans Unimpressed By Top Gear Amigos

A cravenly apologetic BBC today confirmed that the sadistic war criminal Stephen Fry has been beheaded in Singapore’s notorious Changi jail, in a desperate attempt to defuse growing anger in Japan over his brazen mention of the war on a pre-Christmas episode of QI.

“Historians will debate whether we were morally justified in dropping Stephen Fry’s inoffensive language documentary,” said BBC head apologist Mark Thompson. “But if we had sent him into Japan, every last man, woman and child would surely have risen to defend their homeland against him, poking him with sharp bamboo sticks and strapping grenades to his body.”

Lazy, Flatulent and Feckless (as they are known to their fans)

Meanwhile, on the other side of the world, a sleepy Mexican village is less than impressed with the famous trio of Top Gear presenters it hired to defend itself against bandit leader El Guapo.

“Veelage threel to the famouth Three Prethenterth’ brave deedth on pobleec channel, thend ethpenthive telegram athkeeng them to thave uth from El Guapo,” explained Carmen, a pretty peasant girl with an impressive pair of castanets. “They comm here een fatht thporth carth, thcaring all the theep thilly, then thlope about thmiling thmarmily een the thtreeth, thneering thnidely and thaying thtupeed thtuff about uth. We are bethide ourthelveth weeth thorrow. Have they no thame?”

A BBC spokesman with a huge sombrero later apologised for the idle jests of the desperate trio of has-beens, and promised that any future Top Gear programmes would be filmed in total silence. He also promised to give the singing bush a contract to develop ideas for several prime-time shows.