Sacked Sky Presenter Seeks Extra-Large Tube Of Witch Repellant

So that's how Blackpool got promoted

Richard Keys, the Sky Sports presenter sacked after forgetting that the broadcaster he worked for is in the habit of leaving microphone channels open, today claimed that his views on the suitability of women regarding the interpretation of the rules of football were shared by the majority of extinct reptiles, and movingly shared his morbid fear of witches with the world.

Visiting TalkSPORT radio in search of a job, Mr Keys mistook the small studio he was ushered into for a job interview suite, and candidly confessed that he deserved to be “battered” for his “prehistoric banter” – an allegation hotly denied later by a crocodile spokesman for surviving saurians – before expressing his surprise at the anger his comments had generated and warning: “There are some dark forces at work here.”

The interview ended abruptly when Mr Keys claimed he saw the wing of a bat briefly bob to the surface of the coffee brought to him by “an evil tea witch”. He left via the fire escape, and was later spotted in an alternative health shop asking for “the biggest tube of witch repellent” they could find.

The BBC later apologised.