Impoverished Rubble Island Desperately In Need Of Leader With Rhyming Dictionary, Says Wyclef Jean

Nothing a few hella hot rhymes can't fix

Haitian escapee Wyclef Jean has registered himself as a contender for the presidency of the world’s poorest heap of smashed concrete, assuring the pathetic survivors of last year’s devastating earthquake that his wealth of experience in finding words that rhyme qualifies him, above all others, to create some sort of viable economy centred around half-bricks and cement dust.

“Election time’s comin’,” Mr Jean told a cheering crowd of walking skeletons. “Who ya gonna vote for? If I was president I’d get elected on Friday, assassinated on Saturday, buried on Sunday, then go back to work on Monday, if I was president.”

“If I was president,” he added. “If I was president.”

UN relief agencies gently broke the news to the hip-hop star that he cannot be elected until November 28th, which inconveniently happens to fall on a Sunday. They did, however, go on to say that - assuming he wins - from that point forward he will probably be able to fulfil most of his manifesto according to the strict timetable he has set for himself, once people become aware that his total executive experience is limited to sorting out a set list.