Police Tell Man Who Broke Into Duke Of York’s Residence To Go To An Arms Fair, Like Everyone Else Who Wants To Meet Him

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Police have arrested a man after a carload of people was spotted in the grounds of the Royal Lodge in Windsor Park earlier this week, and advised him that if he really wants to meet Prince Andrew he should go abroad and buy some British-made weapons at a trade fair, according to the traditional procedure.

The Duke was, unsurprisingly, not at home when the break-in occurred, as he was taking time out from his punishing routine of shaking hands with arms dealers to waste some time and taxpayers’ money playing silly buggers on the waterways of Scotland.

His estranged wife Sarah Ferguson was also away, said a spokesman for Thames Valley Police, probably trying to scrounge some cash in Spain.

“If you’re on holiday on the Costa del Sol, innocently walking down the street, and you see a speckly ginger frump eagerly rushing towards you like an old friend, for God’s sake don’t let her sell you a timeshare,” he added.