Bulgaria’s Quest To Reassemble Christ’s Half-Brother

Bulgaria's osteoarchaeologists are noted for their expertise and hats

Following the undisputed discovery of two crumbly but 100% genuine bits of John the Baptist at a monastery conveniently located near the beaches of the Black Sea, Bulgarians in funny hats have embarked upon a meticulous search of the country’s religious enclaves for the other fragments of Christ’s older half-brother.

“So far all we have are a holy tooth, a bona fide fragment of lower jaw and an unmistakeable piece of arm,” said local Orthodox bishop Lyin Soczov. “If we can only reunite them with the rest of the venerated St John, which I’m sure is lying around in the basements of Bulgaria’s churches and monasteries, there’s no reason to suppose he won’t miraculously return to life and baptise tourists just as he baptised our Lord and Saviour.”

“I’ve already taken the liberty of ordering some suitable robes for him from one of Sofia’s leading theatrical outfitters,” he added reverently. “When he’s finally resurrected to carry on God’s work, it would be inappropriate for him to wander around our Black Sea resorts starkers until somebody finds him a fresh pair of undercrackers.”

The Bulgarian Tourist Authority’s leading academics will now conduct a series of undoubtedly rigorous peer-reviewed tests on the bones to see if they can unravel the earthly half of Christ’s DNA, firm in the knowledge that St John would not have been rediscovered if Christ was not hot on his heels, ready and waiting to launch His second coming in Bulgaria.

“If Christ’s genes can be sequenced in full – no doubt aided by the imminent discovery of some genuine flakes of God’s skin – then obviously the next step would be to clone Him and install copies in every Black Sea hotel for the salvation of their valuable guests, especially Americans,” explained the bishop. “Book now to avoid eternal damnation.”