Criticism Of Doctor Who Unjustified And Silly and Smells Of Poo, Claims Writer

Dr Who lead writer Little Stevie Tuffet has hit back at TV’s Mr Clever-Clogs, Stephen Fry - who claimed in his Bafta Television Lecture that the long-running series was “entirely infantilised” - calling the BBC’s resident grown-up “a big stinky poo-faced poo.”

“Mr Smelly Brainbox says that grown-ups want something surprising, savoury, sharp, unusual, cosmopolitan, alien, challenging, complex, ambiguous, possibly even slightly disturbing and wrong,” wailed young Stevie from behind a locked bathroom door. “Well, Mr Farty-Face, I went to the nice lady in the costume department and told her I wanted every single scary monster in all of space in the whole universe so I could put them in the bestest finale ever. You couldn’t fit more aliens in a telly than that, even if it was a really big telly that filled a house.”

“We even dusted off Spike Milligan’s old Pakistani Dalek,” he continued, after a loud snotty sniff. “He’s right at the back, on the left, hiding behind the Abzorbaloff from series 2, which was my really brilliant idea that I sent to Blue Peter when I was 5.”

“That was how I won Russell T Davies’ job,” he added proudly.

Mr Fry briefly tore himself away from writing his memoirs to point out that, since the arrival of potato-faced Matt Smith, the new Doctor had used his sonic screwdriver to light torches, incapacitate reptilian soldiers, solve simultaneous equations, post tweets, weld his ginger sex-crazed assistant’s legs together, redecorate the TARDIS, build a portable telly that could see invisible space turkeys, mix cocktails, survey a lost Roman fort for Time Team, sign autographs and remove earwax. “Oh, that’s imaginative scripting, is it?” he chortled. “My iPad can do all that. I’ve seen better writing fall out of a Christmas cracker.”

“And another thing, Mr Stephen Bumhead Fry,” countered Little Stevie in a note written on toilet paper and pushed under the door, “If you want disturbing, what do you think could be more unfair than being shut in a room for ever and ever just for blowing up the entire universe and everything, which you didn’t even do? If that isn’t the biggest threat the Doctor has ever faced in his whole life ever, I’ll eat my entire collection of exciting new Dr Who merchandise, available in shops now, prices to suit all pockets.”

“And as for unusual, challenging and wrong – space Spitfires!” he yelled, before bursting into tears again and banging the toilet seat down really hard.