Brown Saves Planet With Even More Cars That Nobody Needs

The Prime Minister is today being hailed as the man who single-handedly saved the planet, by launching a green reward scheme to give £2000 to car owners who are willing to scrap the perfectly good car they already own and buy a new one they don't need.

"Take a long look at that bog-standard old Megane sitting in your drive," said Mr Brown. "You've had it for a couple of years now, and by now you must be feeling a bit bored with it. Wouldn't you rather have a sleek new Ford Focus C-MAX?"

"Go on, guv," he added, "You know you want it. Bugger the recession - look, here's two grand for your old banger. Good runner, is it? I can see it's been well looked after, but you know that's a stack more than you'd get for it if you sold it on. Cor blimey mate, the depreciation on Renaults is a shocker, I tell you - a shocker."

Under Mr Brown's scheme, perfectly good cars which have lost their showroom sheen will be towed to scrapyards, where a few bits will be recycled if removing them isn't too much trouble. Owners will then be able to drive home a brand new car with a built-in satnav and mp3 player, fresh from the huge industrial production lines of the grateful motor industry.

Britain's carmakers - Ford, General Motors, BMW, Nissan, Honda, Tata Motors and the Nanjing Auto Corporation - said they were delighted with Mr Brown's generous donation of money he hasn't got.

"This means that our robot factories can keep shitting out completely unnecessary cars, right up to the day the world finally runs out of resources," grinned a spokesman from the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders. "Tomorrow we will suggest to Mr Brown that he ought to extend the scrappage allowance to anyone who wakes up in the morning and decides they're not so keen on the colour of the car they've just bought."

The recession-hit construction industry is now looking into the possibility of getting Gordon Brown to give you twenty grand so they can knock down your house and put it back together again, while you swan off to the Seychelles for six months.