Sunday, 12 April 2009

PM's Easter Message To Your Children: 'You Belong To Me'

Your children will be enslaved, announced a chuckling Gordon Brown today, as he declared that it was his fervent desire to force everyone under the age of 19 to carry out at least 50 hours of hard labour.

"My ambition is to create a Britain in which there is a clear expectation that all young people will undertake some service to their community, and where forced labour will be a normal part of growing up in Britain," he explained. "The word 'voluntary' now means 'compulsory'. This is part of our Newlabourspeak programme, which we began years ago with the redefinition of 'socialism' as the acme of unconstrained free-market capitalism."

Leading community organisations such as Tesco and Sainsbury's are keen to play their part in Mr Brown's novel scheme.

"British family life is traditionally centred around a refreshing stroll through our colourful aisles," said Tesco CEO Terry Leahy. "Although our profits are entirely unaffected by the recession, we would make even more money if, rather than paying young people to stack our shelves, we could obtain their services for nothing courtesy of the government."

Local authorities, keen to make up the huge losses they incurred by blowing council taxpayers' money by backing a three-legged Icelandic horse, say they are hoping to replace their binmen with teenage slaves.

"When I say 'at least 50 hours', of course, that's just a figure that popped into my head," said the Prime Minister. "It could just as easily be two years. In fact, I quite like the sound of that."

Under the scheme, parents will deliver their offspring to New Labour Camps, where they will be deloused, issued with a distinctive striped uniform and allocated a challenging work schedule according to the demands of Britain's business community.

"This scheme will deliver a powerful message to British youth," shouted Mr Brown, "And that message is: 'You are worthless little bastards and I hate you.' I'll make sure that, by the time you've finished your daily contribution to society, you won't have the energy to protest about the lumps of gristle in your bowl of watery soup, let alone climate change."

"This is only the beginning," screamed our glorious leader. "Soon I hope to extend the scheme to cover every man, woman and child in Britain. Everybody can - and will - contribute to our national recovery. Even the sick, the elderly and the disabled can render valuable service to the candle, soap and lampshade industries."

Unofficial sources suggest that the scheme will be launched under the memorable banner, 'Work Makes You Free.'

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